Ambiguous loss. So there’s a term for this feeling.
They leave behind objects, don’t they. Memories. Sharp ones. The ones that made us feel for the first time in forever.
There’s something compelling about their grandiosity.
“I was a bright poppy in a field”
“I am Jesus Christ superstar”
“Bada vakil banunga”
I am no different of course. Wanted to be president, am still convinced I have something to say about mental health that no one else can.
Necissism is what I’ve learnt from this slew of co-dependent relationships. Necessary-narcissism. Difficult for a woman in patriarchy, perhaps even more difficult for a man.
How does it feel?
If you’re reading this you already have a nodding acquaintance with the dance between a narcissist and an enabler/co-dependent person.
The narc will idealise you, aka love bombing, then devalue you, thereby reenacting an extremely addictive unconscious dynamic that you have been part of since you were this high. Instead of going to therapy, you are looking to resolve your daddy-mommy-me issues in these draining relationships.
Is there hope for you?
A week ago, I would have said no. The wiring is too deep, you do have a barbed wire around your heart, you and I will never find love.
Dare I hope that all the work has been enough? That I’ve learnt my lessons, that this time will be different? In accepting that there are plus sides to loss [“the process of decay inherent in the act of creation”], I am already in a different reality.
Where I am authentic, self aware and able to use my words. Naturally, I will attract the same. That is precisely what was happening before.
Book an appointment with me at firstname.lastname@example.org. More on psychotherapy with me here.
If you want to hit reset on your intimate relationships, I highly recommend “Leaving Loneliness: A Workbook”