I’ve never been married but I’ve lived with men and struggled with keeping desire alive after the honeymoon phase. I think in a lot of ways, couples in long-distance relationships may have it easier when it comes to pleasuring each other. When you’re up in each others’ face all the time, everyday annoyances and little arguments turn what used to be an erotic charge into a childlike irritation.

I’m going to say I personally do not believe in having one master-bedroom. I think it makes a lot more sense in all possible ways for each partner to have their own bedroom – this allows for breathing room, novelty and two options of ceilings to look at.

Rant done.

Here’s my list of things you can do to unsuck your married/cohabiting sex life.

  1. Please don’t live in the same room. If you must, do not walk around in your altogether or chadi bunain. Unfortunately, desire is a fickle thing and elusiveness appears to be essential to it.
  2. Work on your communication. Mind blasting sex comes from emotional connection as much as physical togetherness. Have you opened up to each other, talked about difficult things like your shadow side, your deepest fears, your soaring dreams? You gotta get into this stuff for a richer sex life.
  3. Figure out how you like it. Take Jaiya’s Erotic Blueprint quiz. You will learn whether your primary blueprint is Energetic, Sensual, Sexual, Kinky or Shapeshifter. Study this blueprint. Don’t let it define you, but do let it give you vocabulary so you can…
  4. Talk about how you like it. No one is a mind-reader, not even your SO. Maybe your man is timid and you want him to take you but you’ve completely whipped him in your everyday life and he’s let you. You need to discuss this for him to be comfortable switching the script in bed. You also have to be able to share your fantasies and kinks with each other. And what sex means to you. Maybe it’s like a sport sometimes, lovemaking sometimes, good old fucking sometimes. Can you be present to each other and tell how y’all want it that day? Are either of you just plain lazy? Does she lay there instead of receiving him with grace and presence? Does he need dirty talk but can’t ask for it?
  5. Embody one end of the sexual polarity. Okay, this is a tough one. Citing Tony Robbins on this. There is a polarity of masculine and feminine energies (not genders) that is essential to sexual magnetism. Think of it like batteries. Two masculine energies will repel. This is why we still see butch and femme lesbians and the equivalent for gay folks. Whoever you are outside the bedroom; in it, you gotta be clear whether you want to fuck or get fucked in a given moment. Of course you switch and roleplay – the tricky part is finding that balance of your masculine and feminine energies internally. Especially with the pressure to be masculine in the world-out-there, it can be easy to lose touch with our femininity. Sometimes we can emasculate or symbolically castrate our partners by not letting them express their masculine, take-charge side. This is fatal to desire.
  6. Explore tantra. No this does not involve offering yourself up to an aghori baba. Tantra is a spiritual sexual practice that slows us down and takes our focus off cumming. It’s part of the left hand path to enlightenment but you don’t have to get into kundalini energy if it’s not your scene. Take the tools that help you. Note that practicing it involves deep breathing, eye contact and a sensuality that can be difficult to bear without…. EMOTIONAL CONNECTION.
  7. Explore kink. It’s a rich, fun area of play that everyone can explore. It helps us release our dark side, and we all have one, in a safe, pleasurable and healthy way. You’re thinking “why would people want to tie each other up, call each other names, and inflict pain?” BDSM is rich with symbolic imagery and fairly obvious sublimation of childhood trauma. I won’t get into that, read Jessica Benjamin’s The Bonds of Love for more. My suggestion is, if you’re shy about dirty talk, start there, and remember it’s symbolic. There’s no need to hulk out.
    Pro-tip – safe words work best when they’re silly and make you both laugh.
  8. Accept that desire takes work to keep alive. Put in that work.
  9. Don’t take it too seriously. If you’re trying new things, being adventurous and vulnerable, one of you is going to fart at some point, or you’ll go dry or limp at just the wrong moment. Chill. Awkward is good. Awkward is real. Laugh it off, cherish your growing intimacy, carry on.
  10. Make your lady cum. Get yourselves some lube. Maybe even a vibrator. Some guys seem threatened by lube and vibes but the thing is, if she can’t cum, it’s about her body. It has little to do with your performance. Maybe she’s got a history of *child sexual abuse.* Maybe she’s super conscious of herself. Don’t take it personally and don’t be threatened. Encourage your partner to do what they need to feel safe and ready for an extremely intimate experience. Oh and for the love of god, please help her cum after you have; I know she doesn’t cum with the same regularity that you do.

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