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When someone loves you with all your flaws, do you feel smothered, like their love will make it difficult for you to breathe? You could have an avoidant attachment style that makes you feel either that you don’t need love like the rest of us, or that you want it but it comes at the cost of your freedom or makes you feel vaguely sick.
Our attachment styles developed in our early years in response to our environment, and specifically to help us deal with how we felt for our primary caregiver (usually the mother). An avoidant attachment style is in response to an unconscious message that we are not wanted. Since the world is composed of our primary caregiver at that age, and we know they are necessary for our survival, it is terrifying to not feel cherished by them.
Rather than let the neglect paralyze us, we mould ourselves to not need attention, love and nurturing, to the extent that we avoid meaningful intimacy altogether, or seek it but always mistrust it. This keeps us stuck in unfulfilling patterns of behaviour where we self-sabotage the moment real closeness starts looking like a reality.
In therapy, we will work together to bring your attachment style into awareness and map it against your early childhood. We will help you process your feelings towards your caregivers and learn what your triggers are for your flight response in intimate relationships of all kinds.
You will learn to self-soothe at the time this desire to run away or attack the other kicks in; and finally, to use your words instead of acting out so you can sustain healthy relationships.
If you've got an avoidant attachment style, it's likely you're a magnet to people with anxious attachment. Read on!
Want to know more about attachment theory and this thing called attachment styles? We've got you covered.