Kabhi socha

Mujhe kaantein diye, toh gulaab ban gayi

Kabhi socha, phool diye hote toh mai kya banti?


  • Aqseer
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The general’s daughter

  1. is beyond human* comprehension. you expect a beta, you’re met with an alpha. every time.
  2. gender? what gender? she grew up climbing trees, you’re better off judging her by her medal count than her sex organs.
  3. she’s stylish as hell – the military is known for being obsessed with turn out, she’s no exception.
  4. daddy issues? yea, to the extent that they make her a “strong, independent woman” whatever that means.
  5. daddy issues 2 – she’s going to be better than her father in every respect. three reasons:
    1. he’s taught her everything he knows
    2. her mother and mother’s mother school her all the time
    3. she’s a proud national, and dedicated to serving the nation just as her parents did.
  6. you’ll need to approach with caution, be on time, bring your ‘A’ game, all day, every day.
  7. she is likely to be better at the “father principle” than maternal nurturing. if you don’t have a nurturing bone in your body, you’re both going to have develop that side in order to co-parent.

the end.

  • Aqseer

*it is debatable whether the military leaves us more human or robot. from personal experience, I’m going to say cent percent more robot.

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How to deal with anger

Ah, anger, the most shameful and misunderstood of emotions.

If you’re an angry person, or you grew up around angry people and have no idea to do with that emotion, I have news for you.

  1. You are not a snowflake. This is the most common reaction to having anger issues.
  2. Get help. If screaming in a pillow, or getting into kink, or getting piercings and tattoos, or being an adrenaline junkie isn’t helping you channel the rage, you need help.
  3. Stop projecting your rage on other people, then hating on them for their healthy expressions of anger.
  4. Quit acting like your shit don’t stink. This is actually same as point 3, but point 3 bears repeating.

There you have it. A handy guide to expressing your anger, sublimating it, and avoiding humbug (hypocrites) like Covid-19 – i.e. the plague.


  • Aqseer
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Dear future desi rider chick

Firstly, welcome. It’s a small club, but we fierce.

If you’re tryna be me, cause I’m retiring, folks – it’s a slow retirement, but I’m almost gone now. You gotta represent India at the Olympics, don’t you? And you gotta learn hapkido, all of that. Here are some notes for your team.

1. She needs porter porties/potties to be functional. She’ll find the one at INA is clean enough, but she must carry sanitizer if she’s not as used to field work as I am. Baaki they tend to be filthy/actually shut and the smell is overpowering. Prof. VS Elizabeth taught us the difficulty with maintaining feminine hygiene in the field. Women get UTIs/kidney stones cause it’s never safe enough for them to go anywhere everywhere.

2. I feel like everyone on the team should know whether she uses tampons or pads and carry one at all times. Periods are hella unpredictable and if she has PCOS then she could start bleeding at any time. No one likes being distracted by unforseen spotting.

3. OB tampons you find in the remotest areas cause hippie women use tamps. I think cups everyone is sick of, you need to boil them before and after use, it’s a pain. Basic pads are best.

4. She has to be used to getting stared at and practice riding without you guys.
5. Get used to being guided by HER intuition + instinct. If she’s banking left and you thought you must go right, now is not the time to question. Follow, ask questions later. Preferably don’t ask questions at all. The answer tends to reveal itself soon enough, and you’ll be glad you listened to her instinct.

Back to you.

I think we’ve got to a point where it’s largely safe to get out and ride/run. Up high.

Thanks again Delhi, UP, Gurgaon, Chennai, Maharashtra police + traffic police for being super supportive of me riding, driving and running at all, as well as odd hours.

You, girl, you got this.



– Aqseer
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Letter to Facebook, Instagram

Facebook, Instagram

Firstly, please consider my application withdrawn. Secondly, you’re welcome for the free policy advice that follows.

I am writing this as an exhausted content creator and champion of free speech, and as a former user of Instagram.

Let me just tell you, the only thing you have going for you now is inertia. And that elderly people love WhatsApp. I ran my first public campaign off of Facebook. When reports started surfacing of surveillance behind the scenes, I told myself it’s cool, privacy is a myth, at least I know what agencies have my data. That was Facebook like 5 years ago.

You acquired Instagram and turned it into a na Ghar ka na Ghat ka losing platform which has become an absolute cess-pool of the worst that the internet has to offer – we call them influenzas, not influencers. You should really keep up with r/Instacelebsgossip, I rest my case.

Now you want to rebrand Facebook after putting us through a facelift, changes to Pages, changes to your community guidelines, dizzying changes that are only rivalled by Modi and co. – you are not a people’s movement, you are not a socially responsible corporation and you are certainly not Google.

Be evil. Just know what you are and be true to that. Can you do THAT much?

  • Aqseer
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Off my chest

  1. Thought Catalog is a shitty publication to write for. They just refuse to give you a backlink, nor do they respond to communication asking for it. At this point, I want my singular piece on that site down. Luckily for me, even this request will be ignored, so you will keep benefiting from that piece while this website gains nothing from your trolling.
  2. At this stage in my feminist career, I mistrust women the most. Sad, but true. If you wanna know why, host me on your podcast, and please, ensure it’s monetised, or seriously, don’t bother.
  3. Rom-coms are dead. This is especially sucky because that genre ought to have survived us queers. No one loves tales of heartbreak more than two or more queers kept apart by circumstances beyond our control. Homer, who?
  4. Every time I give up on this website and decide I’ve given GoDaddy enough business, it’s now time to fold and sink quietly to the bottom of the internet-sea, a new client finds me and insists they want to work solely with me, and so I resurface with my resting-bitch-face and get to work. This belongs on this r/trueoffmychest because not all off-my-chests are bad things.
  5. I am a romantic, pretty traditionally so. The whole queer thing doesn’t make me ace, nor aro. Nor does being slutty make me incapable of commitment. You would know how committed I can be to the wrong person if you were one of my close friends. Sluts can be private. Morning.
  6. Whoever told my advisor that my lucky number is 3, you smart.
  7. Go get you a lucky number, it helps with the “mild-OCD.”
  8. Thanks for reading. – Aqseer
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On virginity and learning how to drive

I have a friend. Let’s call him X.

X is one of two brothers, raised by a doting couple, proud of himself, his lineage, his family; caring, handsome, and above all, fun.

X doesn’t want to get married.

What does this have to do with virginity? X is not a virgin. But he’s shy. His masculine energy presents itself in bursts of anger, erratically, and seldom. (This is standard with Mars retrograde in the natal chart.)

Let’s talk about me now. I was a virgin till I was 18. I cried to my BFF before I decided to have sex with my boyfriend. I was torn to the core about taking that step, I was racked with guilt and the horror of being unsaleable in the marriage market once I took this step.

Keep in mind I’ve been a practicing feminist since I was 11.

Let’s switch to Netflix’s upcoming show – “Sex, Love & Goop.” Though the trailer does not reveal it, the show features the 5 erotic blueprints Miss Jaiya has developed (I’m pretty sure that’s her because I’ve used the erotic blueprint test myself and shared it with friends and clients alike) and shows couples of all stripes exploring themselves and what looks like tantra.

What does this have to do with virginity?

Well, if X has to get married one of three things have to happen –

  1. he has to demystify sex/have it
  2. he has to accept that he doesn’t care about sex, and embrace that
  3. he has to learn “game” late in life, like learning to drive once you’re past your 20s

But why, you ask?

Being sexually active in a controlled setting such as consuming porn or going to strip clubs creates a power dynamic unlike what you are faced with when you are out in the dating world, attempting to get to first base.

Hence the analogy with driving – comes a point, if you ain’t done it yet, you run a high risk of never doing it ever. It’s easier to Uber your way around, and no one can blame you for that choice – it’s scary to learn how to drive at that age.

And we know dating is far scarier than driving.

Is it possible X is simply asexual? Of course that’s possible, but does he know it’s possible to be asexual while being romantic? In other words, being ace and being aromantic do not necessarily go hand in hand.

What if X just has a bad case of mommy issues? Sure, that’s a possibility, but then why is he letting his mother and extended family look for matches for him at all? Why does he consume porn and lust after attractive women?

Whatever his sexuality, X’s problem, in my view is that he has a bad case of the nerves regarding entering the dating pool since the time he felt rejected by his secondary school sweetheart.

Mind you, that was over 20 years ago. This case of the nerves is further exacerbated by lack of sexual experience, and you see how this can keep going in circles till someone interjects.

In conclusion, if you’re like X, learn to drive before you terrify yourself further.

We’re all human, I especially had zero game until after my first heartbreak, and then there was a long period of time when the joke was that I co-founded Tinder cause that’s how much I used to *(&* around.

Everyone crashes when they’re learning to drive. But driving is totally worth it.

Get out there, research the crap out of it, and remember the other person(s) are human too, all of us fart, we all hate first dates, and almost all of us want a fantasy romance, deep down to our core.


  • Aqseer
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On forgiveness

The f word is long and unweildly
You’re thinking I mean fuck but I mean forgively
Forgively to me forgively to you
Forgively to all especially those that couldn’t save me.
– Aqseer
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The price of fame

I have been groomed to handle the public eye since I was born.

blame my mother, she has always known she’s a superstar, and her first kid was going to be no different. those of you in the legal and psych fraternities know well that I slog all the time (it’s a problem) and have been watching agog/aghast since I started climbing the long road to being a celebrity psychologist, family lawyer, entrepreneur and IPR expert. what makes it toughest to digest is that I’ve remained humble.

blame my dad. he’s a chiller at heart.

I’m writing all of this to let you know, while I’m between gigs/jobs that as long as you don’t stare too hard (it makes me spill my filter coffee) and as long as you respect my time, no matter how frosty I appear and how distant I seem to have gotten from you from my Breathe, Chat days, I am and will always be Harry-crazy-Aqsy. its the double Aquarius.

I love what stands the test of time first and foremost. so though I’ve upped my rates and I will not reduce them for anything in the world, I am only a phone call away for pro-bono advisory. I hate these big words I’m using but sometimes these things need to be stated.

cause I hear I’m spoken of as “she” rather than Aqseer in some contexts, such as when gaze gets too much and I throw my literal phone away… and so on. suffice it to say I’m over my fantasies of being Rip Van Winkle, I’m here, I’m not going anywhere, and I miss so many of you it hurts.

call me. and if you gotta talk trash about me, at least call me Aqseer. I’m not she-wolf, you are 😛

– me.

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odd sock girl

故事 time.

there was once a girl that was a boy and a boy that was a girl. the girl wore black all the time, the boy showed up to school wearing one pink sock and one blue. somehow the girl caught sight of the shoes and marked the boy as a worthy object to hunt. the girl’s…parent’s were terrified she had completely gotten out of hand. the boy scared the living shit out of everyone around him cause his sox never ever matched.

one day, the girl thought it was getting way too quiet for his part of town. she asked him if he needed anything, he said…”I don’t want a relationship.”

remember she’s a dumbfuck so she didn’t pick up on the nuance there, she always thought she was a boy so she went “doi” and scared a few people that were troubling her precious odd-sock friend.

the boy in odd sox was a very patient young man, so…he explained to her at great length that he was very good, and evolved and didn’t care about gender binaries and that she was getting in her own way and making herself miserable for no reason.

being a boy, the girl did not listen. until someone told her to wait, and since she does the opposite, here she is telling you this story. the end.


  • @byethebite – Twitter. translation by Toucan.
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