Gender based splitting is driving us insane

As the #tenyearchallenge does it’s insipid rounds on Facebook, I sit here looking back on my 19 year old self. I’m happy to report that a 5 year long wade through the darkest aspects of my psyche have allowed me to circle back to my fiery and loving 19 year old self; with some software upgrades.

I remember seething with disappointment when mum sat in her seat while dad went to get popcorn at a movie so long ago, this is the only detail that has stuck. “Fine feminist” I thought to myself. I was physically repulsed by the colour pink, walked like a machine and would dare you to tell me I’m pretty.

I was, and still am, quite masculine. The funny thing is that the only way I could embrace my whole self – femininity included, was through this five year long mental illness.

Why did I need two bouts of tied-to-the-bed depression and two bouts of police station and hospitalisation mania to embrace my biology?

Because being a woman still sucks. What the DSM and ICD call insanity, I call rage at feeling insecure about our embodied selves from before we were born. You think your family’s education somehow sheltered you from the fathoms deep shame of being a woman?

It’s not possible. Centuries of subjugation, aversion, repulsion do not evaporate without a trace even with three generations of the finest convent education. And let’s get real, what “education” are we talking about?

Yet here I am. Whole. In love with being a wo-man. Analytic and compassionate, wild and domestic, light and heavy, realistic yet hopeful. This is not a matrimonial ad, this is a invitation to see yourself and your child as both, and. Not either, or.

She is not either a slut or fit for marriage; he is not either a man or a boy, you are not either a perfect parent or a complete failure.

If you’re scared at the number of kids around you being diagnosed with mental illnesses and personality disorders; I invite you to look at our insane ‘either, or’ thinking and tell me if you aren’t surprised this didn’t start sooner.

Life is not ‘meet your milestones’ or ‘be a failure.’ Life is – here are guideposts that others have lived by. If you want to be more efficient in making your mistakes, here’s the wisdom I can offer. If not, I am here to catch you when you fall. Just don’t fall in the exact same way twice because no one’s got the time.

What does this have to do with the shame of being a woman?

Because you’re either a man or a woman. No?

Aqseer

Book an appointment with me at sodhiaqseer@gmail.com. More on psychotherapy with me here.